A Holiday Season that Works for your Family
It’s almost Christmas, and holiday season is in well… semi-swing? After two years of living in a pandemic, we’re all tired. Just a couple of months ago, we thought this holiday season would be some kind of “new normal,” at least. It’s okay to feel conflicted and worn out, and disappointed if you had plans that are now changing.
Whether you celebrate Christmas, another holiday, or just live your life during the holiday season, and whether we are in a pandemic or not – there was a before, there will be an after – there is no question that the holiday season is a season of heightened emotions of all kinds. Some people really look forward to the holidays every year, and fill their time decorating, gifting, singing carols, baking, and gathering with others. Some people experience holidays as a time of loss or grieving, whether they’ve lost a loved one, or lost traditions and connections they’ve had in the past. Some people really enjoy gathering and being busy, and others will need more care and time to themselves to recharge around this time of year.
Holidays are different for everyone, and our experience of them changes throughout our lives. This year may be especially difficult as plans change at the last minute and we grapple with everyone’s feelings about these changes.
In your own family, everyone may have fairly aligned feelings, or people may have different temperaments, needs, and emotions that need attention and care during this time. We’ve included some ideas below about how to take care of your own and your family’s mental health through the holiday season – and how your whole family can care for each other.
Photograph taken at night shows a bare branched tree completely covered by colourful, bright lights, in front of a home and smaller trees which are also illuminated.
Decide on a plan for participation
Even in the before times, there were often demands on our time that were just not feasible. We may have spent time running to different events, fitting in children’s plans with family gatherings, getting shopping done, and attending work gatherings.
This year, we can’t do everything; events are cancelled, we’re limiting our contacts and our gathering sizes, and we’re unsure what the coming weeks and months will hold. Decide what is most important to your family through the holidays, with their participation, and make those items the priority. Perhaps you have a pyjama Christmas Eve together and open a gift, or you always go for a drive to see lights around town.
Equally, decide what you’re not doing, and set that boundary. If there is still going to be a gathering and you’re uncomfortable attending, let your family know you’re unable to attend this year but you’re happy to participate by dropping off a treasured dish or by video call. If you’ve been putting pressure on yourself to finish a crafting project or a long shopping list, decide a limit or deadline and let the rest go for this year.
Create Boundaries and Maintain Them
It is helpful and healthy for you to set limits around your holiday plans. Whether you’re setting a boundary with your kids, for your kids, or for yourself, knowing what to say when a limit is being tested is helpful. It also helps your kids develop healthy boundaries when you model this behaviour. When you’re practicing boundary statements, don’t spend time explaining or excusing your decision because at this point, you’ve already done that. The decisions have been made. A productive, thoughtful conversation about your decision can only happen at this point AFTER it is clear your boundaries are respected. For more suggestions on creating boundaries, check out this article).
Boundary statements might sound like:
“I appreciate the invitation, and I hope we’ll be able to attend your event in the future – this year we’re staying home for the holidays.”
“We’re not comfortable attending indoor events. If you want to visit us for an outdoor hot chocolate or have a Zoom get together, the invitation is still open.”
“Our plans have already been decided for the winter break. Thank you for considering us, though!”
“We’re not hugging and kissing at the moment, but we are doing a REALLY enthusiastic wave.”
“You’ve asked [child] for a hug and she said no. Please respect that. [Child], would you like to wave, shake hands, or just say goodbye today?”
“Please ask me before making a decision to participate in events as a family. I would prefer we discuss this and decide what we’re comfortable with together.
“That’s not going to work for me. Could we ______?”
“This question has been asked and answered.”
A snow-covered fence marks a boundary in a wooded area..
Stop and Listen
A lot is happening for kids during the holidays, too. Your children may request your attention by asking for it directly, or they may request your attention by distracting you while you’re busy, asking random questions at odd times, arguing with each other, or spilling out toys to play with. If your child asks you to play with them, stop and play for a few minutes and let them know when you can return to play next. If they want to talk, are feeling emotional, or need help with something, let them know you’re ready to listen by stopping what you’re doing, turning off any screens, and turning your attention to them. Often, these moments are brief, but the connection and the attention is important.
If your children are requesting attention by engaging in more active or disruptive behaviours, like arguing, making messes, or having a tantrum, stop and evaluate before responding – what is happening that contributed to this? Are we really busy right now as a family? Is your child hungry or tired? Is there a need that can be met to help them regulate their emotions and behaviours? What are they saying to you, and what are they telling you with their behaviour?
Go Outside
Soon there will be snow to stomp through, build snow forts with, and make snow families with. Your family will be able to get bundled up and enjoy catching falling snowflakes on your tongues and faces, walking through crunchy snow, seeing snow and ice form their own beautiful art in your neighbourhood.
In the meantime, enjoy a walk under a blue sky, spotting the signs of early winter as they set in, watching the holiday lights while they’re up and as they come down. Check out a new playground or park you haven’t yet visited. Search for animal tracks in the frozen mud and ice. Enjoy morning frost.
There are so many benefits to spending time outdoors, for your children and for you. Being outdoors helps almost everyone regulate their emotions and sensory needs, gets us that much needed Vitamin D, and allows us to move our bodies in ways that we enjoy, whether that’s playing, walking, engaging in sport or exercise, or just turning our faces up to the sun.
A small snowman sits atop a smooth layer of snow, with one snow arm waving at the camera and a leafy twig for the other arm.
Check in
Check in with members of your family and see how they are feeling about the plans for the holiday season and winter break. Check in with friends and loved ones who might be struggling through the winter or the holidays, especially if you have cause for concern. Check in with yourself – how are you doing right now?
Checking in doesn’t have to involve a lot of time or complicated plans. It can be as simple as a text or phone call, or a conversation in the car with your kids. (You may also want to access support or suggest support to someone who is struggling, or find more information about caring for your mental health during the holidays).
Let it Go
A lot of expectations come up at this time of year. Whether we place them on ourselves or others put them on us, it can feel like we need to be in many places at once or get a mountain of things done just to have a successful holiday season. You can let go of items on your to-do list, things to make or buy, places to be, traditions to fulfill. You can decide to alternate traditions or families over the years. You can choose to do something wintery later in the winter or not at all, if staying home and being cozy seems like more fun right now. Ultimately, what’s important is caring for yourself and your family in a way that is sustainable, suits everyone’s needs, and will ensure that this time of year is enjoyable and manageable for everyone.
We hope that everyone finds sparks of joy during this winter and this holiday season, and that the spirit of love, togetherness, family, and community finds you – whether it’s through a drive to see holiday lights, a walk in the neighbourhood, through porch drop offs, over Zoom.