Practicing Self-Compassion
We are six weeks into the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown, and the parenting journey is getting a little rocky. We are sheltering at home as the predictable aspects of family life have vanished. We are destabilized by the threat of the virus, school closures, job losses, isolation, financial worries and family stress. You are not working from home; you are working at home in a crisis. The children aren’t purposely trying to drive you crazy. They are just as destabilized as you feel. We are missing the support of extended family, friends, schools, childcare, and playgroups. These are unusual times - lining up at grocery stores, wearing face masks, and constantly washing hands. Parenting under these conditions has become very difficult as we ask ourselves, “Am I being the parent I want to be?” Every parent is being very hard on themselves. I propose that it is time for self-compassion, and I’m not talking about bath bombs and scented candles. Self-compassion is not a selfish thing to be doing right now - it is self-sustaining. It is the process of putting the oxygen mask on yourself so you can help someone else.
Kristen Neff, Educational Psychologist and author, describes the practice of self-compassion:
Take note. Acknowledge your different emotions; anger, frustration, fear, anxiety and helplessness rather than denying and pushing them away. These are all feelings common to parenting during this crisis and beyond. When we are compassionate to ourselves we are able to acknowledge these reactions and learn to manage them without amplifying them.
Remember your common humanity. Acknowledge that you are not alone but are united with others who are facing these difficulties. Life is imperfect, and we are too.
Give yourself kindness. Skip the negative self-talk. Treat yourself with the same kindness your treat others. Actively think about and do what will soothe and comfort you.
Self-compassion is a set of skills that can be learned and developed. Neff says, “It can be as simple as learning to take a simple mindful breath. Breathe in for you, and breathe out for your child.” In the moment, it can be enough time to reset your best parenting skills.
The compassion we cultivate for ourselves directly transmits itself to others. By calming themselves through self-compassion practices, parents also calm their children. Neff shares a story when on a transatlantic flight, her 5-year old son who has autism had a mighty tantrum. With a flailing screaming child and a plane full of people looking at them with dagger eyes, she shuffled them to the back of the plane. Making sure he was safe, she turned her attention to comforting herself, and her mind flooded with compassion. She found that as she was soothed and calmed, her child was also calmed. We are living in a time of crisis, and we need tools and practices to help us be the parents we want to be. The practice of self-compassion has the potential to bring some calmness and perspective back to the parenting journey.
Written by Joyce Williams, Parent Support Coach
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