Feelings and Our Brain

During one of our parent support groups, we began talking about feelings.  In a previous Facebook post (Volcano Experiment), I talked about how all feelings are valid and normal.  Children aren’t born with the knowledge about their feelings.  So as parents, we can help them learn about their feelings and helpful ways to get through them. 

Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of The Whole Brain Child, No Drama Discipline, Brainstorm, among many others, created a really great visual demonstration about what happens to our brains when our uncomfortable, or overwhelming feelings take over. 

Here is another version of this type of demonstration which is very easy for children to understand.

These demonstrations can help us understand not only what is happening inside our brains when we are experiencing stress, anger, fear etc. but also to help understand what is happening inside our children’s brains as well. 

When we are faced with stress (running late, stuck in traffic, children fighting, etc.), we will “flip our lids”, and our feeling brain will take over.  We cannot think rationally as our thinking brain has gone off-line.  We may yell, slam doors, say, or do things we regret.  The same thing happens with our children; when they are experiencing feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, etc., they also cannot think practically or rationally.  Their feeling brain also takes over.  They may throw a tantrum, cry, hit, or scream. 

We can learn to get through these emotions and the feeling of not being in control, and bring our thinking brain back online by learning not to react right away.  This takes time.  Taking a deep breath, walking away, counting to ten, etc. can help our thinking brains to go back online and then be able to handle stressful situations rationally and appropriately. 

Using this Hand Model and teaching this to our children can help them understand what is happening, and we can also help them learn to handle big feelings.  This type of guidance takes time and lots of patience.  Take it one day at a time.  One situation at a time. 

And if you do react in anger or frustration, remember, it’s always important to apologize and try again.  When I react in a way that I regret towards my children, I apologize to them, telling them what I should have done, and ask if there is anything I can do to make them feel better.  And I also ask if we can have a “do-over” day.  Even if it’s 7pm! 

Reading storybooks about feelings can help guide your conversations with your children, and you can always reference the characters in these books when they are faced with hard feelings or overwhelming situations. 

Written by Paula Dibbits, RECE, Parent Support Educator