How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk

Dear Childreach,

For the last couple of days, my son (who’s seven) has been coming home from school very grumpy and short tempered.  I ask him how his day was, and he doesn’t say much.  He stomps around the house, and everything sets him off.  For example, when I ask him to put his coat and boots away, he literally growls at me.  When it’s time to do his homework, he has a meltdown.   I feel like I’m walking on egg shells.

I’ve tried ignoring the behavior, thinking he’s just looking for attention, and I don’t want to give in to his grumpiness which could make him think it’s okay to behave like this.  I’m getting tired of this because it’s been almost three days, and he’s annoying his sister and really affecting the mood of the entire family.

Any suggestions??
M. P.

Dear M. P.,

You are absolutely right.  Your son is looking for attention.  Young kids don’t know how to express how they are feeling, so stomping around, crying, and bugging their siblings are perfect examples of how they express those feelings.  If they are never taught what these feelings are, they won’t know how to handle them.

He’s not trying to make you mad.  He’s just not sure how to ask you for help or to talk to you about what’s bothering him.  As adults, when we feel frustrated or angry or sad, we know that talking it out or finding an outlet to express ourselves can make us feel so much better.  Children don’t necessarily know how to do that.  Ignoring him won’t make it go away; it will either continue or get worse.  Everyone wants someone to listen to them and acknowledge them.  School takes a lot out of children, and they could be holding in those feelings of fatigue, frustration, and pent-up energy all day, and when they come home, it all unravels.

The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (a version for children ages 2-7 is also available called How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber & Julie King) is a wonderful tool to have as a parent.  Along with teaching children cooperation, autonomy, and self-esteem, it also teaches parents how to help children identify emotions and how to actively listen so your child will open up and talk.  I’ve used techniques illustrated in this book and it makes a wonderful difference in my children.  Labeling feelings (“You seem very angry.”, or “Wow, I would be so sad if that happened to me!”) helps them not only to label that feeling, but also helps them to know that you understand and want to help.  Really listening to your child without distractions (turn off the tv, put down the phone, don’t multitask) can help him to relax and open up.  You might find out exactly what is bugging him.  Make sure to thank him for talking to you, and letting him know that you will always be there for him can make a difference in his world.

Written by our Parent Support Educator Team