Parenting is Wonderful and Hard
During our Mother Reach support group a couple of weeks ago, the moms got to talking about the joys and challenges of having young children. One of the moms shared a few different occasions where she expressed her frustration about her baby’s fussy periods or sleepless nights. On one of these occasions, a family member or friend would inevitably say; “Enjoy this time because once it’s gone, you’ll miss it.”
Hands up if you’ve ever heard that phrase before! Here’s another phrase for you, “If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…”
How did that make you feel? Personally, I’ve heard this time and time again. Or something similar. I understand that young children and babies are adorable. I loved cuddles with my young children. I miss the times of their chubby cheeks, their little toes, bath time, experiencing all those firsts (first steps, first tooth, first words, first birthday, first Christmas, etc.), the funny phrases that they would say, seeing their big smiles when I went in to take them out of their cribs after nap time, etc.
But what I think we need to remember is all the challenges that came with all of those wonderful times. Lack of sleep, breastfeeding struggles, emotional highs and lows, the cost of formula and diapers, toilet learning, trying to handle a screaming toddler, not knowing how to sooth your crying baby, checking on them multiple times a night just to make sure they are okay, trying to keep them awake driving home so they will have a decent nap so you can have a break, having your house taken over by toys and equipment to make your life easier, and just trying to get through the day without losing it. The list goes on and on.
It is frustrating to have your feelings dismissed when confiding in a trusted friend or family member. These phrases are surely intended to comfort, but they make new moms feel that their feelings are unfounded or wrong and that they have no right to complain.
So this mom who had shared the irritation with this phrase said this, “Instead of saying ‘enjoy this time because you’ll miss it’, why not say enjoy this time AND it’s hard too.”
If I could have given her a standing ovation, I would have. I felt like that was a perfect phrase to say. It’s acknowledging that parenting is wonderful but also messy. It’s full of joys AND challenges. It’s full of giggles AND tears. You can’t have one without the other.
So the next time a mom comes to you to share her feelings in that moment, just listen. Acknowledge her struggles. She knows parenting is great, so you don’t have to remind her. Provide empathy and perhaps a hug or the offer to help out. That will go so much further.
Written by Paula Dibbits, RECE, Parent Support Educator